As someone who has danced around the poverty line all their life, I can tell you that, for people like us, it can be difficult to believe a better life is possible.
Who can go to college when they can’t even make enough to pay rent? Who can get approved for a business loan when the only collateral they have is the busted Kia Optima they’ve been driving for over a decade? And who among us working class schmoes hasn’t found themselves flabbergasted and exhausted when yet another clueless rich bastard once again implies that the only thing keeping us from being a millionaire is cutting out Starbucks?
Who hasn’t been frustrated by the fact that so few hoard so much? That those same few simply can’t stop trying to find ways to squeeze every last drop after everyone, despite having more than they would need for several lifetimes when many of us forgo basic medical care because who can afford that?
We are told by the many sycophants of our current system that those in control deserve to be, that they “earned” it, even if their accomplishments amount to winning the sperm lottery and being born to old money.
Perhaps we cannot escape this.
Perhaps there must always be a select one or few that controls the destiny of the masses. A select, powerful person that holds the world in its grip, that bends it to their will.
I’d like that person to be Hank Scorpio from The Simpsons. His first appearance was in the 155th episode, titled “You Only Move Twice.” It’s the second episode of season 8.
Yes, technically, he’s a supervillain. But, so are virtually all of the people who currently control the world.
The only difference is he genuinely cares about the welfare of those under his command, and he’s less obfuscating about his villainy.
I would posit that Mr. Scorpio, sorry, Hank (he really likes to keep it casual), would do more good for our world than every well-meaning charity combined.
Let’s examine this further:
He’s not that evil
Okay, I know it can be hard to overlook the laser satellite and the deadly, bikini’d henchmen, but just stick with me.
How evil is he when you compare him to the entities and people currently in control of our world? Really?
We have modern day serfdom for farmers strong-armed into unpayable debts to various lending companies.
Ever wreck your credit thanks to a health care system that almost guarantees you will be screwed if you need emergency (or even just preventative!) care? There is a family of reality stars (we all know their names, I’m not going to repeat them) whose mansions alone probably took three centuries off of the lifespan of our earth, and if they ran over one of your family members, you would be the one in jail.
Most of our safety regulations only exist after major disasters revealed the flagrant greed and disregard for life of the business associated with them. My partner and I are, over a year later, still currently dealing with the fallout of a statewide natural disaster, the damage of which is absolutely related to the “not gonna, can’t make me” attitude of those in charge of our utilities.
Fun fact: our senator was spotted fleeing to a tropical vacation while much of his voter base sat in subfreezing, powerless homes without access to running water and while their bank accounts were bled dry.
Simply put, those in power now only do the bare minimum to keep their peasants pliant.
Not happy, just pliant and dependent.
And they are constantly being caught in the act of misdeeds that span a spectrum of apathy to outright barbarism.
Given that, I would posit that we not spurn our wonderful, flamethrower-toting friend Hank simply because his “evils” are more theatrical.
Hank doesn’t hide who he is, and he’s never evil for the sake of evil.
When times got tough during the pandemic, businesses dumped their already cash-strapped, benefit-less employees like sacks of garbage, and then expected them to come back en masse for more low wages and mistreatment.
Let us contrast that with the time it appeared that Hank’s divine plans had been ruined (albeit temporarily, because Hank gets results!).
Hank is bravely fighting off an invasion of Special Forces agents, when he is approached by a despondent Homer. He begins to tell Hank about how unhappy his family is in their new home, and how he thinks he may have to leave Cypress Creek – and our best bud, Hank – behind.
Now, Hank Scorpio could have taken his anger out on Homer, but instead he listened to his complaints and gave him advice that would do what’s best for Homer’s family, even if it costs him a valued employee.
I know who I would rather work for.
He’s a great motivator
Homer Simpson, the protagonist of the Simpsons and cartoon embodiment of our most selfish, base natures, actually put in effort whilst under Scorpio’s employment.
For the entirety of his life, Homer does not work, Homer does not try, he simply consumes.
Until Hank happens.
And, in that rare instance of proper support and motivation, he not only finds himself thriving, but also caring about his work.
Homer goes from consummate coaster to dedicated employee who wanted not only to do a good job because he genuinely cared about his boss, but because he cared about the people that were (however unwisely) put under his charge.
If Hank can get an honest day’s work out of Homer, the purest example of entitlement and laziness in all of fiction, think about what he could do for us average folks who want to do good but had the “care” and drive stamped out of us by apathetic or outright hostile bosses and governments?
No one is going to avoid answering their phone on their day off if they work for Hank Scorpio.
He’s passionate about what he does
It’s literally in his Bond-villain-esque theme song:
Scorpio!He’ll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth.
Beware of Scorpio!
His twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world
And his employees’ health.
He’ll welcome you into his lair
Like the nobleman welcomes his guest
With free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest!
But beware of his generous pensions
Plus three weeks paid vacation each year
And on Fridays, the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer!
He loves German beer!
What’s not to love here?
Passion and enthusiasm are contagious, even better if they’re directed in a positive way.
Apathy can be equally infectious, and can easily put us peons ill at ease. Why, let’s take the recent coronation of King Charles the Whatever for example. While you must account for the fact that his coronation is a tangible reminder of the passing of his mother, I don’t think things would have been different had she simply given him the throne for his birthday. That man approached the day he was crowned like a 14 year-old goth kid being forced to take pictures on his family’s vacation to Colonial Williamsburg.
“God, can we just go!?!”
If I wasn’t a red-blooded American, and tuned in to see this guy as my new leader, I’d be more than a little concerned. What, this guy with all the enthusiasm of a man walking into a three hour timeshare pitch is going to be my symbol of an enduring and powerful nation? I mean, he has an incredibly tough act to follow but, could this guy at least act like he has hope for all the countries whose stolen gems line his adult diapers?
You know who does have enthusiasm? Hank Scorpio.
While I may not share Hank’s love of German beer, I am positively ecstatic at the thought of being about to provide dental care for my family! Who wouldn’t give 110% for a guy who makes sure that you don’t go bankrupt trying to fix a cavity?
And, gosh darn it, he’s so eager to take over the world that I just can’t help rooting for him!
Also, his twin obsessions are ruling the world and his employees’ health. Once we finally help him take over the world, you just know his full-time obsession is going to be improving every aspect of our lives.
This is a win for everyone.
He has a hammock district
When Hank had control of the whole town, he had an entire district for buying hammocks.
If giving someone power reveals our worst characteristics, I think we’re in good hands.
Other rulers: Financial crimes, infidelity, hypocrisy.
Hank:
He appeals to a wide spectrum of people
Hank has something for everyone!
Liberal-leaning people:
Haven’t you always dreamed of living in a planned community where everyone is on a first-name basis and you have more vacation days than you know what to do with? Hoped to find a boss who sees you as more than a drone, and celebrates you as an individual?
Conservative-leaning people:
Don’t you consistently mentally masturbate to the “good guy with a gun” idea? A REAL self-made millionaire who values hard work, honesty and loyalty?
Well, you both can agree on Hank Scorpio.
Think about other high profile rulers. Walk into any pub or hipster-ass coffee shop and ask people what they think of Mary Queen of Scots. Chances are a fight (or in the hipster case, a flurry of overpriced artisanal pastries being lobbed at one another) will happen within minutes. The woman has been dead for centuries and people still feel as heated about her being betrayed/being a traitor as I do about Gwenyth Paltrow’s continued ability to assault our brains with her presence. You know why I picked Mary, Queen of Scots for this interlude? Because, as you might have noticed, talking about literally any living public figure, political or not, at the moment is more than enough to make people abandon all portions of their brain that keep them from pooping themselves in a rage. I hope that by mentioning a woman literally no one alive today has ever met might help keep at least one person from slamming their fist through their laptop.
If Hank Scorpio is our leader, the only thing we’ll disagree on is how best to celebrate all the (paid) holidays we will have in his honor!
He uses his power for the betterment of his underlings, and no one can get in his way!
See, you get the best of both worlds! Stand your ground AND go on a fun run!
He gets things done
Hank Scorpio took a rundown, filthy city and made it into a beautiful suburb. From an industry-free, pollution-drenched stretch of urban blight to a work community dappled in sunshine and covered in a fine mist of espresso and employee satisfaction.
In 1961, the United States attempted to overthrow Fidel Castro’s government in Cuba by supporting an invasion by Cuban exiles. However, the mission failed disastrously, with many of the invaders killed or captured, leading to international embarrassment for the US. This incident also spanned one of the most boring movies of all-time: Red Zone Cuba.
Honestly, I have seen this movie like five times and I cannot remember a single about it.
When Hank Scorpio was attacked by government agents, and forced to flee the Eden he had built, did he give up? NO! He dusted himself, slung his flamethrower over his shoulder, and had complete control of the East Coast by the end of the week.
Tech millionaire Ken Brettschnider tried to build his dream theme park and quickly whizzed away the parks budgets on authentic antiques and not basic logistics, and then tried to blame his customer base for not wanting to try new things.
How High, Hank?
Yes, Hank. Yes, I am ready to understand trust.
I suppose that, when you get down to it, we as a species are fated to have an overlord of some kind.
The Leviathan is a book by Thomas Hobbes that presents his political philosophy, arguing that people should form a social contract with a strong central government in order to avoid the dangers of life in a state of nature. The Leviathan is the title of Hobbes’ proposed government, which he describes as an absolute monarchy with the sovereign having complete and unconditional authority. So, see, even the smarty-pants-writers-of-your-favorite-books-to-leave-out-on-your-coffee-table-to-convince-people-you’re-well-read agree with me! You guys need to give the 1984 treatment to The Leviathan, and make it 70% of your belief system!
Perhaps we are hard-wired to need a leader, to crave serving someone or thing above ourselves. Perhaps that it is a necessity that so many voices and conflicting beings have a focal point- a dignitary who can not only command our trust, but who can shoulder the terrifying weight of ruling the masses.
If we can’t escape that fact, why not choose a dictator that cares?
No, Hank, what can WE do for YOU?
My loyalty is yours, Hank.
